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This section covers various things that make me laugh, which I've collected over the years from books, websites, TV programs and radio. I hope you enjoy them too...

Insurance Claim Quotes Kids Quotes CV Gaffes
Words To Live By Losing Something in Translation? I Wonder...
Definitions The Parents Dictionary Men's Thoughts About Women
Air Force Maintenance Silly Signs "Colemanballs"
Employee Performance Social Security Requests Don't You Just Hate it When...
Useful Put-Downs Alternative Dictionary Writing Tips


Insurance Claim Quotes

These are said to be actual quotes from insurance claim forms, although how genuine they are I wouldn't like to say. Various versions have cropped up in books, tv programs and internet sites for several years - these are my favourites, the ones that still make me giggle even though I've read/heard them many times.

  • "I was responsible for the accident, as I was miles away at the time."
  • "I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind."
  • "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
  • A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
    Q - What warning was given by you?
    A - Horn
    Q - What warning was given by the other party?
    A - Moo
  • "I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."
  • "No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."
  • "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke"
  • "While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."
  • "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
  • "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and hit a tree I haven't got."
  • "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
  • "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
  • "You will remember that I submitted a claim for the loss of my wrist-watch. I have to tell you that my eldest child, aged six, found the missing watch on Saturday morning at the bottom of the toy box. My youngest daughter, aged one and a half, is the principal suspect, but despite extensive questioning, she has decided to say nothing."
  • "The cost of replacing said spectacles was £71.30. This is not an estimate as I have already bought them following a long conversation with a parking meter which I took to be a hyperthyroid bald dwarf."
  • Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
    A: Travelled by bus?
  • "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."